I often write to Tabitha in a personal journal but today is a landmark day so I thought I would share this one. This part of the website was always going to be about updates about our fundraising efforts but I think this post about how we are all doing is just as important for our cause. When I initially set up this website I wanted to raise funds AND awareness so I hope that by sharing my feelings it will help, comfort or just be out there to do whatever it needs to do for whoever needs it.
It's been six months since you've been gone now. When I think about all we have achieved since you went it seems like a lifetime ago. All the decisions and arrangements that had to be made in the early days. The exhausting days, weeks and months that followed. Rebuilding our lives down this path we didn’t expect and trying to learn how to live without you here. But then in the next breath, I remember so much about the day that you were here, in such detail, that it seems like you are only just gone.
People often say to me that they are amazed that I get out of bed in the morning and get on with my day. I had to get up the morning after you passed away and put one foot in front of the other, no steps will ever be harder to take than the ones we had to make back home without you. My steps are always into the unknown but carrying you in my heart makes everything easier.
I still hurt so deeply and I'm still sad every day but I always end the day realising it is because of the love I feel for you. There is no bad feeling in my sorrow. It is just love. I always go to bed with love in my heart.
I think the hardest thing for me is mothering my child that is here and my child that isn't here. You are not growing in the world but your memory grows with me in my heart and mind every day and I keep my memories of you safe. Everything I do is with you in mind. You have made me a much better mother. I am a better mummy to your sister. I now realise how fragile all this is and what a miracle you both are. I want to make you both as proud of me as I am of you.
I feel like a better human because of you. I look around me more. Take things in. Appreciate nature and the world. Appreciate the people that matter and I don't worry about those that don't like I used to. Everything has slowed down for me. I do the work I want to do and I spend more time outside. Looking up at the sky and breathing in the fresh air makes me feel closer to you for some reason.
I'm not scared of anything now because of you.
I am so grateful that I did know you, and that I did meet you, and even though it was only for a moment, I would rather have that moment than not at all. Even though remembering that moment can bring back so much sorrow and pain, I still wouldn't change that pain for anything because to have known you for even just that little time is most precious to me.
It is an honour being your mummy. You are, and will always be, my hero.
Love you Tabitha.