It’s been a while. I knew that September might be hard as Tabitha was due to start school this year but I never thought it was going to be this hard. As per usual the lead up to a milestone is always filled with anxious thoughts on what I might feel or what might happen. I’m not sure how hard it’s going to hit me and the sadness builds as the day gets closer. Usually I get to the day and it’s gentler than I imagined. It was true for this event too but the feelings didn’t subside and anxiety kept coming, and a lot of feeling has come and gone and then come around again. Loss, sadness, unjustness, anger, upset, emptiness, listlessness, tiredness, and a few physical reactions added in for good measure too.
The feelings are just as strong as they were, it makes me realise that this grief, this love, never dies. The fire never goes out. Yes, less consuming and monotonous than it was in the times before, but still as painful, still as deep, still so raw.
I had to go to the school gate as Tabitha has an older sister. I had to do the pick ups and watch all of Tabitha’s would be class mates walk in and out of school. I took a photo at our front door but there was someone missing. I had one empty hand as I walked in and out of the school playground. It brings up a huge amount of what ifs and wonders. What would she look like now? What would she enjoy or hate there? Who would her friends be? The what ifs are the hardest.
As my feeds and messages began to fill up with new school photos and words of things moving forward I could feel myself begin to stop and shutdown. So I took a step back, and away. I had to protect my heart, and also get Tabitha’s sister through something that plays on her mind too.
Things still aren’t great, I still wear sunglasses to hide the odd tear at pick up. It feels like my ribs might crack open at times and I feel tired a lot of the time. I don’t think I’m going to be strong enough for baby loss awareness week which is approaching in a couple of weeks. I’ll know I’ll be able to show up some other time.
This hard road is a long one, a lifelong one. You miss your lost ones every single day and the milestones sometimes just get you where it hurts a bit harder. Feeling loss, feeling low but ultimately feeling love.
